**First Published on my old blog on 11/16/2012. I had another bad episode this past week and thought I would republish this post. Admitting I am not perfect, have vulnerabilities, and am human is very, VERY hard for me to do. So if I reach out to you, call you, or just randomly text you… please know, that I am saying – Hey, can you talk? I might sound happy, or carefree, when really I am masking a need to communicate, to connect, to not feel so alone.**
I’ve debated a long time whether to admit this and write about it. But you know what? I want to. The last couple weeks I have had a few people tell me that they love my authentic writing and wished I did more pieces. I had stopped writing about my inner thoughts because it led someone to have a weird obsession with me this year. But today, I am ready to write again. At least on one thing that affects me more often than I like to admit.
PMDD is like a fire to me… it starts out small and manageable and can burst out of control with just a small breeze.
I have depression as the result of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which is a severe form of PMS. What does that mean really? That up to 10 days before Aunt Flo comes into town, I dip into a pretty severe depressive state. Working and concentrating are quite difficult – a task that normally takes me 20 minutes might take me an hour. Social interactions can be heightened and I take things very personally when something might have nothing to do with me at all. I already take things personally, and this amps that ten-fold. Not fun.
But the worst, and I mean the worst thing about having PMDD is having suicidal thoughts. I have them every month, every year for the last 25 years. Can you even imagine?
We Need To Talk About PMDD: Living with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
I struggle with feeling worthy and loved. I often think the world would be a better place without me in it. I make some stupid mistakes in life and during these PMDD episodes those mistakes seem so insurmountable. Often times I feel like a failure – in business, in love, in running, and with my family. Right now I am going a new direction with my business that I am enjoying, but I just haven’t seemed to reach that level of success for my life that I thought I would.
My finances have not been the best since I lost my flower shop, and I am so tired of not ever having enough. I’ve loved men in my life… and I love falling in love, but when that love isn’t reciprocated it can seem like the end of the world during a PMDD episode. I love my family – I just don’t think they get me, or that they have really ever understood me. That’s hard to admit. I want those that have known me my whole life to get me, to love me because of my differences. It’s a roller coaster that I continue to try to ride.
So what does all this mean? Why would I admit this openly on my blog? Am I afraid clients or friends would judge me because of it? I am openly saying yes I get depressed, sometimes pretty severely where the suicidal thoughts surface a lot. And yes, I am afraid people will judge me, but I am more afraid that others go through the same thing and don’t have the voice to say that they suffer too. A lot of times I write about things that others can’t ever admit publicly, but who contact me privately and thank me for my words.
I have been told many times that I am strong and that I have overcome many obstacles. Dealing with this every month gives me a strength that I have to rely on to pull me out of this oppressive funk. Strength comes from falling down and having the drive to get your ass back up and try again. I always get back up.
So yes I suffer from PMDD, some months are way worse than others. But what do I do about it? Once a year they are really, really bad.
- I admit it. When I start to slip into a depression, I look at the calendar and see if I am truly depressed or is my body also helping to exasperate the issue. If it is female monthly hormone-driven, I know that it will go away. I just have to ride out those truly terrible days.
- I tell a few close friends. I seek help, because there are days that I just need someone to talk to, to connect with. Not to talk about the PMDD, but just to shoot the shit.
- I run. And I run. And I run some more.
- If I don’t want to run, I go for a hike and surround myself with nature. Seeing birds, smelling the flowers, feeling the earth underneath my feet always seems to help.
Sidebar: One time when I was hiking, I was balling. I mean fat ugly tears streaming down my face. I ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in awhile. He didn’t say a word and just pulled me into a great big bear hug. After about 10 minutes of sobbing he asked if I was ok. We talked for a few minutes before I finished my way down the mountain. So crying, hiking, and a big ass bear hug does wonders for my soul.
- I read. I have bookcases full of books and I will grab one and lose myself in it for a few hours.
- I also watch a lot of TV. It is my guilty pleasure.
- I cook or bake. This helps me be creative and keeps my hands and brain active.
- Lately, I coupon. It is addicting and I love it.
- Sex helps, can’t lie about that.
- When it’s really bad, I lose myself in a bottle of wine because I know it will put me to sleep. When I wake up it is a new day. Sleep is magnificent for PMDD.
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail
I’m currently reading Wild while road tripping in Alaska,
which has really helped me to see inside a similar soul.
Right now I am full fledged in the middle of a depression cycle. I know I need to keep my nutrition on par, exercise, and keep healthy sleep patterns. All of that is easy to say and hard to do. Because of the suicidal thoughts, I reached out to a close friend and told her. Even though she is going through a lot right now, I know she understands. I’m also admitting it to you. It helped me too to write down those 10 things I know that help and I work that list when the symptoms start to come up.
Thank you for listening. I am me – and sometimes it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I admit, I like writing from my soul again. I’ve missed it. I need to do it again. Hope you like reading my words, my life.
Because I know this is a very serious topic, here are some resources if you are thinking about suicide. Reach out, someone cares.
Here are a few national and local agencies to contact along with websites for more information.
- Suicide Prevention Life Line 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
- Suicide Prevention Resource Center
- Survivors of Suicide
Pretty amazing writing. Running and hiking are my way out too. No matter what happened that day, there is still a time to beat and rocks to hike over.
And for the record, that story about running into your friend painted an instant visual picture.
Sweetie, this is SO brave of you!! I could not be more proud of you for remaining authentic and for sharing your voice with all of us! Big hugs to you!
I just got help as I was trying to kill myself and then like a switch turned on that needed help to heal and had no one and my kids weren’t safe and I love them too much to not make sure they are safe loved and neglected. And gsoo much help and love I’m doing a bit better but I still need more support as I came wry close even having a heart attack and seizure it was a very dark place and I’m scared to ever get in that dark place again. And reading this I don’t know if I have this but I always know awhile before my girl time I get really amotional and sad and depressed and painful cramps but tynol does help or other PMs meds.. I might but what stuck out for me is knowing you were and still think dark things instead of what’s really true and positive. That makes me not feel as much guilt when I do and as scared I’m going back to the worst dark place I can even imagine for myself. I think we each have different dark places and thoughts and triggers. So thank you! 💜 And I’ll start seeing if I have signs or not and if I think I have some ill go to my Dr. As I want to Finially care about myself and be the best me for my family and friends and etc. So I don’t enable or teach or bring them downhill with my mental illness and self hatred that’s lies as I’d never treat myself like that if I was one of my children. That’s one tool I have right now and am glad I do.
The best thing I did was talk to a doctor about it. They can prescribe meds if that is what you needed. At the time, I was also seeing a therapist so we created these things I could do to pull me out of it. I have a bullet journal with them written down. When I am feeling depressed, I pick the list up and start working through it. The one that always works for me is to go for a walk in nature. Thankfully, I have 1-2 episodes a year and not every month like I used to you. You will work through it and you will get better!
I’ve been grappling with the idea of “coming out” to friends and family. I’m 43 and the PMDD has gotten so much worse over the past few years that my fragile facade to the world is falling. My kids are 11 and 12. They notice when Mommy stays in bed all day or is still in bed when they get home from school.
Right now, only my husband and my doctor are aware of my PMDD. Everyone else probably just thinks I’m bipolar II, which I was misdiagnosed as for years. (I didn’t tell anyone *that* either). I can’t decide if it would be amazing or terrified to be able to call my soul-sister best friend and say, “It’s here. I’m not sure I’m going to survive the suicidal thoughts this time. Help.”
But then I imagine interacting with everyone the weeks when I am ok and how many times can even the best of friends answer that call?
We have a chronic disease, and it should not be embarrassing or shameful, but I don’t think most of us who have it or most of society is ready to accept PMDD for what it is.
Well done.
When I first wrote this 3 years ago, I was terrified of admitting it out loud. I had been diagnosed a few years before and kept the shameful secret. But then I realized that people would rather know then find me dead one day. I used to have it terribly every month, but then I changed a lot in my personal world and now only have the most horrific episodes a few times a year. I kept a journal of when the worst occurred and just figured it out this year. Strangely, the same week in August is always the worst for me. Now I know and can make a note to be prepared next year.
Being a writer, and one that shares some very deep, personal things, has allowed me the space to be honest with my friends and community. What was the most surprising aspect of sharing my story was learning I wasn’t alone. Many people have never heard of PPDD, and once they heard about it, realized they have similar symptoms.
The best thing I ever did was write out that list of what to do when the suicidal thoughts are their worst. It works for me even when I can’t reach out to others. So tell your friends, reach out, as you will be there for them when they need it. Not reaching out is worse and will leave them with a lifetime of guilt if you were to go through with your thoughts.
((Hugs)) You are not alone nor crazy.
To think I stumbled on this website to read about coloring my gray hair! I can’t believe how similar we both are… just reading a few posts and I feel like I know you! I too was diagnosed with PMDD more than 5 years ago. I always knew my PMS was WAY worse than most people and when I was diagnosed with it, it was almost like a relief that I wasn’t just crazy or too sensitive. Over the years, I vowed to find an answer because my sister also has it and I know it affects our lives. I know how we were before it became bad and how much more fun our lives were in general. I feel like I’ve been on a “journey” trying to get to an answer and I’ve tried so many things. First of all I tried the pill, only to suffer more severe symptoms that scared the shit out of me. So my doctor told me, “we can’t fix it at the source so we will have to treat the symptoms”. So I was put on prozak and that worked a little. I think it was more psychosomatic than anything because I still suffered. I didn’t want to take a pill the rest of my life, I wanted to cure myself from within. I started eating only organic and tried to get rid of chemicals and toxins, but you can only do so much. I noticed that my symptoms are worse when I don’t eat well, or sleep well, or drink to much… yada yada yada… you know, the typical, I want to have fun behaviour. I went off prozak, it was mind numbing literally. But then I started to get migranes about a year ago. Hormonal migranes, the kind that made me want to cry and curl into a ball.
I also had acne and horrible skin. I even had a case of shingles on my face! The dermatologist put me on a high blood pressure medication known to treat hormonal acne. It’s a low dose… spironolactone or something like that… I can check if you want to talk more about it. It supposedly blocks male hormones. It immediately worked, but not only did it stop the acne, I felt a slight relief. You know, that feeling of relief when you get your period and feel like a human being again! I knew it must be working when I went through one period and I didn’t get the dreaded headache. I noticed some other things, that I got my period and forgot it was even coming. No one with PMDD does that… ever… So I’m incredibly grateful for this tiny little white pill. It hasn’t cured me, I still have horrible symptoms, but I can only imagine how much worse they would be with out it.
You made a great point at journaling your symptoms to find a pattern. I think August is a bad one for me too! A few weeks ago I started crying uncontrollably on my way home from vacation. In public too! But you also said, that you can prepare yourself. And that is something my sister does well. She knows it’s coming and sometimes even lets people she really cares about know when it’s here. I can always tell by our tones in our voices that we are suffering. It’s a horrible illness, I hate it so much. I hope that one day we will have relief from this monthly torture. I come out of it wondering how I could’ve ever thought such hateful things towards myself. But while I’m experiencing it, I full on 100% believe it and it is just devasting. I know what you’re going through… I’m right there with you! Hugs to you and your courage for writing about this. I can’t wait to read more of your posts!