I debated whether to share this, and decided I should. I can’t be the only one angry and not expressing it. When we hold it in, we don’t give it space to breathe and then be released. It’s Ok To Not Be Ok
Friends, sometimes it is ok to be angry. Like, really really angry. And the only person you can be angry at is yourself.
After my birthday last Sunday, I woke up with so much rage, that I knew I had to sit with it and feel it. We are taught to let go of anger and always be happy. Well, sometimes that isn’t the answer.
I’m angry that in a blink of an eye my business was destroyed.
I’m angry that I didn’t have a back-up plan. You see, every dime I made last year, I reinvested it in the business. I built a building, I attended buying shows, I went to coaching retreats, I bought the majority of the inventory to fulfill all those unpaid orders. I spent it all as my payday was supposed to be April 1st.
I’m angry that if I were to catch this virus that I will probably die. I live so far from my family, they would not be able to claim my body in time. Plus, who would take care of Porter? Who would love him as much as I do? These questions have brought me to tears more than once.
I’m angry that instead of finding love and having a family earlier in life that I’m alone later in life. No spouse, no kids, no home of my own. I’m angry that the man who said he loved me had to walk away to deal with his own shit. I’m angry that I have serious abandonment issues. My recently single friends are loving this time to find themselves. I find it ironic that I want to finally date again and then can’t because being around a new person could literally kill me. Good one, Universe… you got me with that one.
I’m angry that I’m not essential. I used to be. If I would have followed my earlier plans in life I would be a scientist and a physician. Instead I’m an artist and a writer (which I love). Those that have known me a long time know I have struggled with this over the years. What is my life’s purpose? Have I wasted my life and intellect? Who am I supposed to be???
I’m angry that I can’t go out and volunteer and help others. My immune system is shot and I am part of the vulnerable population. Great. That pisses me off more than I can even express…
I’m angry that there is no bailout money for me. I’ve been denied by Alaska’s Unemployment. The one government loan that was supposed to be $10k, is really more like maybe $1k as they don’t count when we employ Independent Contractors, which is what most micro businesses do. Then there is the PPP loan which is supposed to pay lost wages, even for business owners. With how my accounting was setup, I don’t qualify for that either. There is no Money Fairy for businesses that look like mine – which a ton do.
So please stop saying that once the bailout money comes everything will be grand. It’s not coming. The only way money is coming my way is if I put on my Big Girl Panties and get back to work and completely change my business model. I don’t work well when I’m angry, so there’s that.
I’m angry when people tell me all the reasons I shouldn’t be angry. Listen – we all process life in different ways based on our life’s experiences.
It’s ok to not be ok.
I’m better today.
I’m still angry, but the rage leaves a little more each day. She is cold and bitter and sits in my bones. My whole body aches and is in pain from the stress.
Porter and I go on a lot of walks, I talk to myself {seriously whom else am I going to talk to since I can’t be around anyone?}. I said all of this out loud to the wind, to the budding trees, and to the song birds who have finally returned.
Plus, what friend wants to hear all this negativity? No one. So I have kept it mostly to myself and worked through the anger minute-by-minute, day-by-day.
I have done one thing I’m proud of this last week. I’ve taken that rage and put it towards a project that has been on my plate for 10 years. You read that right. 10 years. I’m not allowing myself to do anything but this project until it’s done. Then I will allow myself to create again. Then, because I’m trying to use this time to unravel years of pent-up rage, I will work on a project that has been on my plate for 7 years.
My soul is telling me I can’t move forward until I walk through this rage and feel every ounce of it.
I’ve been cooking a lot, which releases some of the stress. I meditate every morning and night. I work through my Self Care List when the rage feels too heavy. I stand in the shower and as the hot water pounds down on me, I lean against the cold tiles and cry. I acknowledge each decision I’ve made in my life – good and bad – and look in the mirror at the person who has created this life.
I am the only one responsible for my life. I am the only one who can make me happy and I am the only one who can pull me out of this rage. I’m grateful that I was able to take the last 9 days to sit with it, be friends with the rage, honor her, and set her free.
Soon it will be time to let the anger go. Let the rage roar to free my soul. Then it will be time to heal.
I don’t know what that looks like yet. And that’s ok. We don’t always have to know everything at every moment.
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I am a fighter, I am strong, I am fiercely independent. I will make it through the hurt and the rage.
I’m looking forward to creating again and finding a new normal. I had to give myself time and space to let go of what was supposed to be. I know this post was dark… thank you for reading and not passing judgement. I just wanted you to know
it’s ok to not be ok.
Thank you for putting words to what I have been feeling….
You are definitely not alone. Thank you for opening up.
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in feeling this way.
Wow! That really hit home thx for sharing. I’m going through many of the same problems minus the health issues. But starting over non the less. Thx for sharing your story and your struggle too find passion in life. I totally relate! I enjoy your post and the courage it takes to do the unfamiliar. Brett