I wrote this a few days ago while on the plane from Alaska to Arizona…
Today is Christmas and I should be ecstatic that I’m going home. Don’t get me wrong, I have never missed my family so much as the weeks leading up to me being home. It happened last year when I went on my cross-country tour and it has occurred this last week in Alaska.
I have had a tough last 10 days in Alaska. But right now I am trying to convince my mind to be happy and present in this moment soaring above the clouds on this plane. So in order to do that, I must write it out. But seriously, did I just break-up with Alaska?
I always knew when I came to Alaska that I was meant to meet a man and fall in love. I did. It was the first time since I was divorced four years ago that a man told me he loved me. Maybe that’s why I ignored the warning signs that he wasn’t ready for a woman like me (he was going through a divorce) and that I made him think and feel in a way that was just too much.
I was so damn happy in this moment. I cry every time I look at this pic.
After I had posted this picture on Facebook of us, which received more Likes than anything I have ever posted, he broke it off a week later. Why? Because I made him too happy. Yeah, that one still gets me. We tried over the next five months to date but it was never the same. It came to the point where we weren’t meeting each other’s needs. He needed someone who could make him laugh and forget his troubles, and while I am a witty one, I have a serious personality. Then there was always some excuse as to why he was disappointing me. But in reality, it was my fault. He wasn’t ready and I should have walked away when he told me I made him too happy. In that same conversation he told me to run, not walk away from him because he was afraid of hurting me deeply. He was right, he did.
It took me five months and many tears later to say goodbye. We had an adult goodbye too. We got together, talked about a lot of things – which were painful to hear, but oh so needed, as they are things I know are not stellar about my personality. We then hugged, kissed one last time and I left. I cried all the way home. It was difficult. Painful. I kept wondering about the lessons I learned being with him and what their greater purpose was. The next day I woke up and I knew in my heart that I would move on from that pain.
The Dream Client
Another thing that had caught me off guard was a client I was working for in Anchorage said they wouldn’t need as much work in the New Year. I loved working with them – a dream client for me. So the news was hard financially and a bit emotional. But I understand a small business budget constraints, and I am not exactly cheap. 🙂 I know we will continue to work together, but the timing, oh the timing, was a bit tough. Leaving for a month of a travel without a secured income always makes me a bit tense and nervous.
The Living Situation
The last was my living situation. I knew better – two grown women living in one house never really seems to work. Correction, two Aries women – both strong-willed, intelligent, driven women, but so incredibly different. The differences were staggering and it just was a hard fit. I never truly felt at home there and ended up not feeling wanted.
One of my triggers is not feeling wanted, valued, or respected. I don’t want to get into specifics, and I don’t think she is a bad woman (quite opposite in fact) just not a good living environment for me. She didn’t respect me, my beliefs and way at looking at things, nor my request for privacy. So I moved out. It wasn’t ideal, it wasn’t planned, but I knew when I woke up yesterday that I could not stay.
So in 10 days I closed so many doors in Alaska. Did we just break up?
I am about to touchdown into Phoenix. I love Alaska but I hated the last 10 days there and the way I now feel like a failure. It is clouding my judgement. It makes me feel like my time in Alaska is over and that chapter is over. Maybe it is. I don’t know. I love Alaska, from the incredible people I have met to the beauty of the state I just can’t get enough of.
What I do know is that I had three major closures in 10 days and I am reeling. I feel out of control. I feel lost. I feel broken.
I have a new guy in my life, but he is more like a really good friend right now. We hang out a lot, he helped me move and wrap presents, and we tackled Byron Glacier last week so I could have that special place back and not think of the J whenever I went there. I like him, but my heart and mind are uncertain. This might sound weird – but he is the first guy who has not cared that I take pictures of us and post them on Instagram and Facebook. I ask him each time and he is totally ok with it. That is a first for me. EVER. Usually guys always tell me no for whatever reason. He doesn’t, which I love.
Brandon is another serious soul that really makes me think.
For today though, I have to choose happiness. I am going to try not to cry when I see all of my family. But I will take each one of their hugs gladly. I need to keep it together when everyone wants to talk about Alaska, I remember all the tremendously awesome times I have had and not let a few doors closing cloud all my memories.
I love Alaska, but boy am I so glad to be home in Arizona with friends and family. Now, where are those tacos and limes?
Kristi, another great and heartfelt post. But, you may want to think of it as “coming home” instead of “breaking up”:)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Jason Nilsen says
You should never tell yourself that you are or were a failure. I am sure you are quite the opposite of a failure and you have a gift for writing. Lastly, remember that meaningful and loving relationships often come to you when you are not looking. Anyway, happy new year and keep that chin up 😉