What does living a passion-filled life mean anyway? Are you living it? Am I? I go through waves where I know I am in the exact space of where I am supposed to be. Then other moments, I think I am totally wrong. So, so wrong. I don’t feel passion, but rather depression. I don’t feel empowered, but rather lifeless.
How do you sustain living the life you are meant to all the time? Sometimes you just want to sleep. Or not be that person anymore. Because being that person is tough. It is standing up for what you believe in. It is listening to that inner voice. It is calling people on their shit when they are acting shitty towards you.
It is living your passion, even when it scares you.
I get a lot of flack for living my life the way I do. I hear about it from both friends and family, and especially strangers – more often than you think. I am judged for not having a permanent residence. I’m judged for not making a lot of money. I am judged anytime I date someone. I lose friends when I don’t agree with them. So how do I continue to live my life with passion when I feel like there is so much going against me?
Do you know what it feels like to be judged all the time? Then why do you do it?
Oh wait, this post is about passion, not about judging. Where was I…
My passion comes from a place that is deep inside me. When I don’t follow it or listen to it, I feel restless, depressed, angry. It is a force to be reckoned with. I’ve noticed with quite a few of my friends that letting their passion out scares them, so they push it so far down that you need a telescope to find it. The passion I have scares the shit out of them. How can a person (me) live with that much invocation?
How can I love so deeply? How can I care about others and truly, always want what is best for people, for humanity? Living life at that level can be exhausting, and oh so rewarding. It is also scary as shit. I open up my heart and mind to others. I want people to see me, to know that I live life differently. And that it is ok.
Let’s talk about confidence for a second. Today I woke up feeling very unloved, unwanted, my confidence left the room when faced with my greatest fears – and that is that I will live and die alone. That no one will truly understand my soul and spirit. It is a place I have been in before, and a place I hate visiting. But alas, I am here often. It is the biggest fear and issue I face daily.
When I talk to my friends I’m often surprised by how much they say that they use me as their inspiration for confidence. It happened the other day in fact. I had a good friend going for her dream job. She channeled me for a moment to feel more self-confident and she nailed that interview! Yes, I am self-confident. I look at it this way – if I don’t have confidence in myself, who will? For me, living passionately makes me feel confident.
I love passionately, I write from deep in my soul, and when I talk to others I don’t bullshit, but I am always cognizant of not hurting someone’s feelings. Everything I live for and stand for comes back to one thing – not being scared of being passionate about life and love.
I have learned to be my biggest hero and my biggest judger. No one can judge me like I can judge myself. I am hypercritical when I make mistakes or say something inappropriate. I hate hurting someone’s feelings and will often make myself miserable before I speak my mind.
Lately, I have been having a lot of talks with people about worth. You see, I live by this philosophy – I love you, but I love me more. I switched to this line of thinking last year when I realized I have to live with myself for a lifetime and you are just here for a moment – no matter how long that moment might be. I know this sounds egotistical to some, but just think about it. How can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself? Or how can you ask someone else to love you? To see you for you when you can’t even look in the mirror and really see yourself – the good, the bad, the lovable, the pain, and all the little things that make you unique.
Now all of this is easier said than done. There are days when my confidence is shot and I feel worthless. I feel like I have nothing more to give. I have days when I hate everything about myself and my life. Other days, I think it is the most awesome life I could have ever imagined. Through it all, I know that only I have control over my life and that if I want something different, than only I can change it and attain it.
Most of you that know me know that I am not all about Me. I am a true giver and pleaser. I am in my head more than I should be, I love to give to others, and I love to make people happy.
That’s where my passion lays. Live your passion, don’t be scared of it.
PS – Don’t forget: Change can be unsettling at times. It is necessary to move your soul into the next phase, to move forward, to grow, to breathe again.