I’ve been dreaming about him every day this past week. The man I always knew my husband could be. In my dreams there was still love and laughter and not pain and disappointment. It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about him, but there are days I miss him. In my dreams he keeps telling me… that’s not your story anymore, you’ve moved on, it is time to let go.
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I know what he was referring to. On my homepage of this site are posts I wrote when I was reflecting on the marriage and the divorce a few years back. Writing them was cathartic for me and painful for him and his family. The words were true, but it was not easy or comfortable to read those words. Both of us hurt each other, hurt our marriage.
Hurt people hurt others.
That sentence explains so much about the world and about my marriage. At that time I lost my flower shop, my identity, all of my money, and my faith in humanity. My marriage was already rocky. What I couldn’t see at the time was that my ex-husband lashed out at me when he was feeling hurt or neglected. It was a viscous, viscous cycle.
The best thing we ever did for each other was get a divorce.
We remained friends until I wrote this piece. He never wanted to speak to me again after that. I understood. I needed to heal and writing that helped me to let go. That part of my story was over. It took me three years to not start every conversation with I just got divorced or I just lost my flower shop. Thee long ass years.
Those posts are coming off of my home page. It’s time. So is this descriptor of me and this blog. I updated it a couple months ago – not sure what to say or to just delete it altogether. Thoughts?
The Girl On the Run Is Over
In 2013, I left Phoenix and those broken dreams and created a new life on the open road. I was a full-time traveler for four years. That’s not my story anymore either. That realization came to me these last few weeks. I still travel, but now it’s mostly for work and to visit family. I live in Alaska and I can venture out on a weekend expedition into the mountains any time I want. I’m only limited by my imagination and lack of bug spray.
I’m no longer a distance runner and I no longer drink a ton of craft beer. I tore my Achilles tendon in the Portland Half Marathon. I was told I would never walk again without a cane and I came back to running… I’ve never been one to sit back and let people tell me what I can or cannot do. I ended up running 10 half marathons that year. After that 10th half in Las Vegas I knew I would never run long distances again. My body hurt and it was just too much on my legs. I enjoy CrossFit now and run short distances of 5Ks and the occasional 10K. I walk more than I run, but I still try.
My Beer Story Has Come to an End
I’ve been pretty sick this past year. I was sent to gastroenterologist in December as I was still getting extremely sick even when I was eating clean and not consuming any one of my numerous food allergies. Needless to say, my intestines, stomach, and esophagus have been having a field day. The diagnosis was grim. There was a strong possibility that if I kept getting sicker that I was going to have to move home to Phoenix. The doc took even more foods out of my already heavily restricted diet – no caffeine, no wheat – which means no beer, no red wine, no corn, very little rice, no sugar. Pretty much, a medical grade Keto diet, or a low carb diet.
Mind you, I already was eating no soy, gluten, or corn. Once a month I can enjoy ONE beer or pasta dish. It is hard to be a beer writer when you can’t drink beer. I LOVE craft beer – I love the beer itself, the story behind the beer, the breweries, and the community that surrounds craft beer.
But that’s not my story anymore.
I have to let it go. I can have either cider, white wine, or distilled spirits once or twice a week, no more than that. I used to have a glass of wine every night with dinner, it helped me to unwind. Not anymore. Now, I head to Double Shovel Cider Company on Fridays to hang out with my girlfriends and to enjoy a delicious craft cider. On occasion, I will have a glass of wine on Sunday nights as I am pretty anxious about the upcoming week. Other than that I drink more La Croix seltzer water than I ever thought possible.
Giving up coffee was also quite difficult. I created a Decaf Chai Latte that I have every morning now. It is pretty damn delicious and fills that need to hold a cup of coffee and slowly wake up sipping it while planning my day.
So What’s My Story Now?
I’m no longer a wife, I don’t tell people I’m divorced, I’m simply single. I’m no longer a runner, I do CrossFit. I’m no longer a full-time traveler, but I still travel every chance I can – I love having a home base in Alaska. I don’t really write beer reviews anymore. I do write about traveling, beer itineraries and which breweries to visit, and more lately – gardening.
My story is that I am the Founder of Seed Plant Bloom, an organic gardening subscription box. I write about Alaska travel and living a life less ordinary. I write for clients and to heal my soul.
I’m still sick, but I’m getting better. Letting go of all of those foods was difficult, I still slip from time-to-time, but overall I feel better on the inside. I’m still overweight, but I am strong – really strong. I try not to be so hard on myself and just know that my body is trying to heal each and every day and to give it a break. My doctors have seen the research that Keto can heal the gut, so I’m on board with that.
I love this Keto Diet cookbook – it explains what it is all about and has easy-to-understand scientific findings that I really appreciated.
My story changes every day. As I grow and learn, I change.
My story will be different a year from now, but who I am deep down stays the same. I’m still that lone wolf who feels out of place more times than not. I’m highly creative and have an entrepreneurial spirit that is resilient and hard-working. I love to make people smile. I’m passionate about gardening, craft beer and cider, and traveling even if you’re solo.
I’m also now Porter’s mama.
For the first time in my life, I feel like a mom. I love my puppy. He makes me so mad that I scream and loves me so much he kisses away the tears. We go for walks, we cuddle, we travel wherever the wind takes us.
Those stories made me the woman I am today. Every day I hope to do better and to be a better person. I still perseverate over my faults, and have a hard time appreciating my strengths. We are all works in progress, and I am no different.
I’m looking forward to writing many more stories and to one day say – that’s not my story anymore.
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This is so paralelle to my life. I am 3 years out of losing everything, divorce, etc…. I want to be saying, that not my story anymore, but I guess I am not quite there. I do feel out of place more times that not. You give me hope that someday, This won’t be my story anymore.
One day it won’t be your story anymore. It takes time, a lot of time. Give yourself some grace… that’s one thing I never did. I was so hard on myself all the time.