Today is a 10-hour travel day for me as I head back to Anchorage. I woke up scared, stressed, and freaked out. And I don’t know why. My neck muscles have tightened up, my right shoulder is pulsating out of control, and I can feel the stress oozing throughout my body. Is it just travel day nerves?
I’m watching the fog come in over San Francisco planning out the crazy amount of writing I have for this week (25 client posts, a website, and a minimum of 5 posts for my blog). This doesn’t even scratch the surface on pitches, photo editing, and all the other stuff that comes along with running a small blogging business.
Being here in this amazing city that I love, I’m reflecting on the beautiful friendships in my life. Friends who lift me up when I fall down, friends who listen to me ask – why is this happening or why hasn’t he called or which wine should we try next?
Living life like I do can be an isolating, a very alone experience. I am a very passionate person which comes across as intense at times, which isn’t always the easiest for people who have just met me to understand. But I have to remember I have friends all over the world who get me, love me, and inspire the hell out of me. I need to reach out more and connect with them. One of the biggest things that I don’t have yet in Alaska are friends, especially female friends. I’ve met a lot of people, but my walls are so high at times, I come across as bitchy when I am more in fact, just afraid of getting close to people. I hate always having to say goodbye.
I’m not sure what made me write this out this morning. Today, this morning, I’m just scared. I’m scared of really writing from my heart and pouring out my soul again. I’m also scared of making the next round of decisions in my life. Here are the current contenders:
Option 1: Leave Alaska on September 1st and drive out to Seattle. Then fly to Cancun for TBEX, then continue on with my travels to the East Coast for the fall to go to quite a number of events. Go home for the Holidays and head to Mexico for a bit before I went back to Alaska in March for the summer.
Option 2: Stay in Alaska for the winter and fly out for each of my events (one a month). Go home for the Holidays and return after CES in January. Can I afford all the flights I would need out of Alaska? I am tempted to see what a winter there would be like.
Option 3: Stay in Alaska until October and then make my home in Petaluma with a good probability of going back to Alaska next summer. I then would fly out of SF for all of my commitments.
I have a business idea for Alaska that I think would be pretty awesome, incorporating a lot of my loves together. I would launch it soon if I decide to do it… which would keep me in Alaska for next summer season.
These are just a few of my thoughts this Monday morning. I met quite a few bloggers at BlogHer who told me they would love to see more of my daily writings. That they look on my blog to see where I am at and what I am up to. I told them I would try.
So today I am in San Francisco, tonight I will be in Anchorage, this weekend I hope to be fishing the Kenai or in Seward. For now, I am going to walk to Starbucks, grab a Dirty Chai and then try to get this knot in my stomach to go away.
I’m pondering where is my place in the world? Where do I live? Who am I? Who am I meant to be? Why did certain things happen this week…. why why why? I’m stressed my friends, very very stressed.